Ol’ Kotaku is derpin’ around,
Getting blacklisted for acting like clowns,
And pretending that their petty Nintendo feud
Is comparable to fighting in World War 2

When Nintendo’s sketchy patents and a bug that wiped saves
And tourneys shut down and DMCA’s
And forever garnishing a pirate’s salary
And they hired an expert in NFT’s.

But crying wolf tends to gain more clout
Yet there’s more fun stuff to journalize about
Like all the live services that didn’t make returns
And NFT investments that crashed and burned

Also Take Two Interactive gets drunk on power
And claims that their games should be priced by the hour
And Unity reneged on their latest call
Where developers paid for every install!

These are the worst gaming failures of 2023!
Bad games, Bad press, and Bad choices! The products of corporate greed!
And all of it is so trite, it’s just so hard to believe!
These are the worst gaming failures of 2023!

The Escapist cans a great editor-in-chief
Yahtzee was his friend, so he also leaves.
American McGee tried to greenlight Alice 3
And like the third Titanfall it wasn’t meant to be.

And Jedi Survivor released pretty buggy
But if that’s EA’s worst, then I guess we got lucky.
Shadow dropped Hi-Fi Rush is still outshining
Big Budget Forspoken’s millennial writing.

Ubisoft comes back with several backtracks
Of deleting old accounts and pop-up ads,
All their classics getting twisted and it makes you wanna cry
When they hide the games folks would actually buy!

Others selling cosmetics that are only one use
And blaming creatives, they’re just that obtuse.
Yu Suzuki back with more NFT’s
And F’s in chat for the death of E3

These are the worst gaming failures of 2023!
Bad games, Bad press, and Bad choices! The products of corporate greed!
And all of it is so trite, it’s just so hard to believe!
These are the worst gaming failures~

Customers recoiled, with a trembling cry!
Rising from the depths, had ascended AI!
The corporations beheld, a new way to be scummy,
By laying off workers, and still getting money.
Square and Ubisoft, cutting corners with glee,
And public apologies, made with ChatGPT.
This caused a strike, that did little in the end
With a tiny loophole, called exemptions to consent.

And ActivisionBlizzard being just the worst:
Their PvE promises get hard reversed,
With paywalled story and devious promos,
And conditioning kids using predatory FoMO,
Maui Mauga, Dev Crunch, GameBattles, Motive Hunch,
Surveys, SA’s, Double Worker Downward Punch,
The ridiculous requirements for a COD Launcher,
DIablo IV’s a chore, and Horse Armor...

This company’s year was such a s***show
That even China told them GTFO.
It was the cringiest fails anyone ever seen;
Y’all kept saying this should be a Top 15.

The fails raged on for 12 whole months,
Lotta wasted money and lotta jobs were lost,
But the start of next year, we have a solid winning:

BOBBY KOTICK IS FINALLY QUITTING

These are the worst gaming failures of 2023!
Bad games, Bad press, and Bad choices! The products of corporate greed!
And all of it is so trite, it’s just so hard to believe!
These are the worst gaming failures
These are the worst gaming failures
These are the worst gaming failures of 2023!